At this point, I was a day away from the start of my period and I knew it was a little too early to do my first test, but I was just so excited. I had ordered a bunch of pregnancy tests off Amazon and wanted to see if they even worked.
I remember being alone in the Master Bathroom as I set a timer for 3 minutes to wait for the test to develop. I was already thinking it was going to be negative, so I did not stare at the test. When the timer went off- I saw a faint line.
Since it was the first test I had taken I was thinking that maybe this was a faulty test. So I dipped a second test, and this time waited for the test to develop (without the timer).
Again, two lines appeared, clearer this time.
I have seen countless videos of people surprising their significant others with some grand gesture to show them the test, but I could not wait. I called my husband over immediately. He saw the lines, but was not convinced.
We quickly drove to the nearest CVS to buy multiple different pregnancy tests, all different brands. I used four different tests to test again.
Each one showing positive.
I was eager to FaceTime my mom (my mom and I are very close) to show her the tests (and for her to also say to us that she saw the positive lines) and read the words “Yes +” on the digital test.
I called my OBGYN office first thing Monday morning to schedule my first visit to confirm the pregnancy. They would not see me until past 8 weeks for blood work and sonogram.
I started doing research on the best prenatal vitamins to be taking, and ensuring the other medications (for depression and anxiety) were safe for the baby. I called my primary care doctor (who prescribed the medications) to confirm that it would be safe to continue taking that medication as directed.
At this point, I was very newly pregnant, I didn’t know who to tell or who not to tell, how to act, what I could or couldn't do, but we were very excited to be getting a positive test so early (especially after being diagnosed with PCOS and potential infertility which ended up being a misdiagnosis, more information on that in another post).
To celebrate the great news of the pregnancy, my husband and I decided to go to Oklahoma City (one of our favorite places) for a weekend getaway. On the drive up, we decided to make a pit stop at the casino on the way to Oklahoma City for some dinner.
We were walking around when we went through a set of doors and immediately, I felt a sharp pain on my side. It stopped me in my tracks. I remember calling for Alec to come to my side.
We didn’t know what it was, maybe some cramping with the baby making themselves cozy, and we just decided to walk a little slower for the rest of the time at the casino.
The next morning is when things happened VERY fast.
When I woke up, and got out of bed, I realized that I was spotting.
My husband and I began searching online for what this could mean. We saw things from implantation bleeding, to just spotting as my body was getting used to the baby, etc.
We didn’t think it was anything serious and continued about our day around Oklahoma City.
We checked out of the hotel room and started to visit a few places around Oklahoma City including Skydance Bridge and Oklahoma Railway Museum. I thought the bleeding would have stopped, but when I went to the bathroom at the Railway Museum, the bleeding seemed to get worse (including passing a small clot).
We decided it was for the best to jump in the car and head back to the Dallas area.
During the drive, we made a mid-drive pit stop (something my husband and I like to do when we are driving by finding weird things to do on billboards during our drive) at The Toy and Action Figure Museum.
The bleeding had gotten worse. I knew something was wrong at this point.
After countless Google searches, we knew this must mean I was having a miscarriage. I was finding out I was having a miscarriage at a action figure museum, not the best place to find this out.
I was starting to come to terms with this which I cried and hugged my husband in the middle of this tiny museum (that only had one employee there and a small family walking around).
When we got back in the car to continue the drive, that is when the pain started. At a certain point in the drive, I realize that I could not manage the pain that I was in. I decided to call the OBGYN office to see if there was anything I can do.
After waiting for a call back from the on-call doctor, I finally got a response.
“Based on the symptoms you are having, you are most likely having a miscarriage… also you should have probably gone to the hospital, but now it is too late... take some pain medicine and then go home. Our office will call you on Monday to schedule an appointment,” the doctor told me.
By the time I got home, I remember crawling into bed and sobbing uncontrollably. The pain was horrible, the amount of bleeding was terrifying, and, the worse part, I did not know who to talk to or what to do.
I remember for the rest of the evening, I cried and did not even want to eat. I eventually fell asleep, but it was through the tears.
I don't remember all the things that I was thinking, but I remember thinking that this was the end. This was the only chance I had to get pregnant (since at this point I was still convinced I had PCOS and my chances were already limited). I felt like a failure that I couldn’t stay pregnant. I didn’t know how things could get any worse. I didn't think I would ever be able to go through another pregnancy again with the physical and emotional pain I was in.
It is funny, that this was really just a small bump in the major rollercoaster ahead of me.
Monday rolled around, I was working from home in my office when I looked at the clock to realize that if my doctor’s office was going to call me “first thing Monday” to get me scheduled in, they would have done that by now. I called my doctor’s office three times (and with many cry sessions in between) before I got a confirmed appointment for the following day, Tuesday, for an ultrasound to see if I did miscarry and a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Thursday.
I was called into the ultrasound room, which just like the movies, was a very dim lit room with a few different monitors around the room and all the walls.
The ultrasound technician looked at my paperwork and said, “ma’am, you do know that we might not be able to see anything in the ultrasound if you are 5 weeks pregnant.”
I was so angry at this point with the office and the process so far, I said, “well, I don’t think you will see anything either way because I think I had a miscarriage.”
We started with a normal ultrasound in which I did not see much on the screens. After a little while, she explained that we would have to do an internal ultrasound to confirm that I did pass everything from the miscarriage.
After a few silent minutes, she explained that “she could not confirm a miscarriage, but there was no sign of a fetus/baby.”
She said I can ask any follow-up questions with my doctor on Thursday.
I left the appointment, again, being angry at the fact of everything happening, but I was thankful for the ultrasound technician to share with me the basics.
On Wednesday afternoon, I received a call from my doctor’s office, which I immediately thought was going to be a confirmation of my appointment for the following day.
“We wanted to call to see if you would like to cancel your appointment for tomorrow since the ultrasound confirmed there is no sign of a baby/fetus so you won’t need a DNC or any follow-up.”
They were trying to get rid of me. Since the first phone call they were trying to make me feel that all that I was experiencing was not happening. They did not even want to really see me.
I was fuming by the time my appointment came up. Even my husband who was with me for this appointment was a little nervous for the doctor on what I was going to say.
“I just think it is a tad ridiculous that I suffered the first signs of a miscarriage on Saturday, had to fight to be seen for an ultrasound on Tuesday, and then almost got this appointment on Thursday canceled to actually meet with you, the doctor.” I quickly said, nervous of crying, when the doctor walked into the room.
“That is actually standard practice, you wouldn't have been seen right away even if you miscarried on a weekday and not a weekend.” she explained.
Before the end of the appointment, I wanted to ask a few follow-up questions on the potential causes of the miscarriage. During this conversation she confirmed a few things:
“So could this miscarriage be caused by my PCOS diagnosis?” I asked.
“Who diagnosed you with PCOS?” the doctor stared at me.
“That would have been you.” I explained, again, feeling as if the anger was pouring our of my ears.
“Let me look at your chart, I don’t remember ever diagnosing you with PCOS and your ultrasound this week does not show any signs of PCOS,” she explained.
The doctor that told me I had PCOS almost a year prior did not have any proof that I had PCOS, she denied ever telling me I had PCOS, she tried to tell me that a different doctor misdiagnosed me. At this point, I knew I was already changing doctor’s, but this just confirmed it.
When I explained indirectly that I was no longer using her practice and looking to change doctor’s, she never tried to stop me or make anything right.
When sharing this story with friends and family, a lot of them explained that they also had a poor relationship with their OBGYN and they just thought that was normal practice. They were afraid to talk to your doctor about their actual concerns and questions. Do not be afraid to ask questions, and when you have had enough, do not wait around. Find a doctor that cares about you, your wellbeing, and your future.